An Unobstructed View

Last night I read two classics, short ones but amazing ones. Anthem which every person needs to read and Mary Slessor, which made me cry multiple times. Today, Sunday, I drove in to church. Getting there was fun and then I got to sit through a long sermon on listening to God's voice and then proceeded to go 15 minutes on I-5 North instead of south. Dean kept me company but by the time I got home my head was fried. While at church I found a good seat that gave me the perfect view of everyone on stage, and then a nice couple came and sat right in front of me, so without complaining I got up and moved. Then a young mother came in with her son and sat in front of me. SO NICE! I find the phrase that runs through my mind most often lately is, "They are so stupid." That's not very nice of me and not very loving either. How do you stop thinking someone is stupid?

Cracked

Cracked under pressure. By last night I had so much pent up, bottled up anger and frustration that it spilled over and I bawled my eyes out lol but I went home blasted the Rolling Stones, stacked up a bunch of pillows, cried and went to sleep, and of course felt rejuvenated this morning. I woke up after 15 hours of sleep and every single pillow was in the same place, that means I had no dreams and slept really really super deep, usually I move all around in my sleep but not last night. Five days at school and I am wanting to puke my guts out I am so emotionally drained... how is that normal or fair to make kids do something that takes so much energy and unnecessary effort for that matter? People tell their kids that high school is tough, usually they mean that its confusing because of getting hormonal over guys and because girls are mean during high school but high school is hard for different reasons for me.
Tonight was very fun. I drove to Alex's house and it took me an hour because I got so lost. In the end I learned a lot, bottomed out the car on a curb that snuck up on me, and gave myself a lot of pep talks during that time. When I finally got there we played phoozeball, watched Angus Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging, and then Ferris Bouller's day off (which is now my favorite movie). I drove home which took like 15 minutes (big improvement I'd say). And as soon as I got in the car, I rolled down the windows, blasted the Oldies, and let down my hair! O Yes! The high of driving hasn't worn off yet!

Rant and Rant

What is up with adults going brain dead after 30? Is there some intense psycho out there somewhere that leads an organization of people who make home stops to adults turning 30 and turn their brains to mush? If this is true, well atleast they have an excuse! The impression most adults give me is that they have nothing better to do than find something wrong with what you do all day long, every day without fail. O and I forgot that psycho out there probably installs a lecture button when he brainwashes them too! All of a sudden adults are prone to lengthy lectures...no wonder a good percentage of teenagers have selective hearing, how else are we supposed to stay sane while listening to these droning adults yammer on about BLAH BLAH BLAH. For real that's all I hear now. Unfortunately my parents don't know that, if they did know that maybe they would stop, but no their programming at 30 is too powerful for override. Then we go to school and get more lectures except these ones we are being graded on. Brilliant idea adults, another psycho fed scheme! One of my favorite things to do is impressions of my teachers and they are hilarious (to me atleast) but they are all wasted on my shower head. There are adults that somehow avoid "the psycho" but they are rare and far between. Those adults that have hung in there, STICK WITH IT!

Never stop learning

It's truly amazing what you learn about yourself. The fact that I am quite an airhead is becoming increasingly clearer to me through my Junior year. For instance today, I went towards my sixth period art class and the sophomores had all gathered on a bench in the sun, I walked up saying, "Nice move sophomores!" For the rest of the class period we got to sketch in the fresh sun right off the cusp of a rainstorm, it was wonderful! lol Anyway I never noticed how much i miss the sun when its away until I got it back today. Last night was the first time I got to drive myself home and it was truly perfect. I felt in complete control, like I was doing everything right, I rolled down the windows, blazed the Oldies and sang my heart out! I think I kind of understand why God made me wait so long for my license. For my benefit he delayed gratification to make my first time that much more special lol Sounds like I just had sex for the first time. This week I have been listening to Eddie Rabbit and Papa Roach...what a combination right? Lately, my research has led me to believe that 75% of "the greats" ditched high school to make their dreams of becoming legends come true. How is that even fair when our society says to be successful you have to graduate high school. Times are changing. For better or for worse? For worse of course, more polution, less respect, more teen pregnancy, more television, more entertainment to take the place of wholesome activities. There is a scientific theory that has something to do with the world gradually decaying into chaos or something. Great now I have to look it up!

Evil Little Pop

Last night at practice my shooting guard came down wrong on her ankle and now might not be with us for the start of League games. She said she heard the infamous "pop" but it ended up being only a high sprain and she is taking good care of it. My projects are so numerous I don't know how I get through the day with my head still clear. After turning in circles for 14 hours you would think my brain would be swirling with information. I am still exhausted when I get home and have not had any time to read my book or do homework for that matter. I do get a lot done at school but there is the occasional lesson that gets turned in late. How is it even possible that people keep this up for long periods of time? My body aches my brain is fried. Yesterday in art class Taylor me and Haley spoke in lies, brain twister, and then for seventh period I talked in two line rhymes. Today I painted an African American boy kinda abstract I guess and then decided to fill a zip-lock with paint which turned out pretty cool too. The brain can hold way more information that I gave it credit for. Today I started an even more challenging project! I am attempting to learn German. I learned the colors and numbers through 20. My throat doesn't work properly but maybe with a lot of practice I will somehow be able to make a rolled r with the back of my throat. Muscle memory-I can never remember the dance combinations and Tisha said its because my body is still trying to develop muscle memory, so as soon as my body gets the hang of doing drag turns and leaps I will be able to focus more on remembering the routine. I had a fascinating conversation with my mother yesterday during which it hit me! I don't do well with lectures, I just can't learn like that and I think that's why I hate going to church. That reason and secondly, because I am forced, and thirdly, I have heard it all before. Atleast I know why I hate church, that's something.

Found my roar

I consider myself an athlete but giving my all has never been easy for me. As a matter of fact I have never done my complete best at anything. But against Hamilton last night I felt like I got a taste of my best. Found the fire. Found my roar. For once my team came into the locker room after losing and was screaming because we had had so much fun. The mouse of our team was screaming her brains out because she was so excited. I was ready to throw up...
Will I be able to find it again or will I have to settle with my usual 75%? You think FloJo or Michael Phelps ever felt this way? Or Michael Jordan walked off the court saying, "I coulda done better."
Last night I got a good thirteen hours of much needed sleep. I can't think of anything I needed more than to lay in bed all day long. During my Government test, it hit me that I haven't watched the Star Wars movies in so long and half the words on my test were words that Padme uses in one of her speeches, so I watched them today. And then when I watched the third of the new trilogy it reminded me of The Picture of Dorian Gray and how he was negatively manipulated and everything and the exact same thing happens to Skywalker when Lord Sidious influences him onto the dark side. Anyway that's all I did today besides curl my hair for my own enjoyment. lol
P.S. The Titanic would not have been the same without My Heart Will Go On - Kudos to James Horner!

Describing the pit

The project continues and the pit gets deeper. My new year's resolution if you can call it that has just doubled. Not only is it at school its at home too! As if I wasn't exhausted enough, get home directly after practice and crash after eating and a shower. That painful fuzz that you get after crying, I am guessing that that goes away after a time. You cry enough in close succession it fades after awhile right, then crying isn't nearly as painful the next time. Emptying out emotionally exhausts the whole body. Now how is that fair? For so long my emotions have always gone from angry to happy, never sad really, never depressed. But now...its not like I am suicidal or that I really have anything to be depressed about compared to a million other people but sometimes you just choose to be unhappy. Only a truly wonderful person could be happy in a pit. Why am I giving in now after 3 years? I guess I am just sick of it. Sick of the words being constantly thrown at me, tired of choosing to be happy, tired of the energy spent having fun while constantly in trouble, tired of beating my head against the wall... now I am just walking beside the wall with all the others. I miss being happy though, I miss laughing with my friends, I miss feeling inspired, I miss the adrenalin rush. The project has only been a week and already my shell is emptying. I am almost at empty. Only a week. Am I really that weak? Or is this just the period of time that I am acclimating myself? Hard to tell. I think I am going to start running. Running is a melancholy thing. Alone with your thoughts and the cement, early morning, no sounds...
Earth quakes. One of the many things we miss when we are running around too busy to stand still, listen and feel. God's voice. One of the many things we miss when we fill our lives with noise according to my brother Nathan and the current series at the Stirring. The last earthquake I remember I was five and considering I don't have many memories from back then, it amazes me that that is a memory that was gelled in my brain through time. These next few weeks' sermons I have all heard before basically, but being older should I join the ranks of others who are fasting from noise to better hear God's voice? God writes notes to me, then slips them into my brain. All of the notes have things to work on on them. Some of them I keep for later and others have already been tackled. My life used to be noisy, not so much anymore. I have a lot of silence, I have never had trouble blocking out the world around me. Some including my mother say its a bad thing but I think its quite beneficial, just like being calloused and being able to fall asleep whenever and wherever I like. But maybe that will change too with the project. I usually like change but I can't say I am excited for the next year and a half.