Describing the pit

The project continues and the pit gets deeper. My new year's resolution if you can call it that has just doubled. Not only is it at school its at home too! As if I wasn't exhausted enough, get home directly after practice and crash after eating and a shower. That painful fuzz that you get after crying, I am guessing that that goes away after a time. You cry enough in close succession it fades after awhile right, then crying isn't nearly as painful the next time. Emptying out emotionally exhausts the whole body. Now how is that fair? For so long my emotions have always gone from angry to happy, never sad really, never depressed. But now...its not like I am suicidal or that I really have anything to be depressed about compared to a million other people but sometimes you just choose to be unhappy. Only a truly wonderful person could be happy in a pit. Why am I giving in now after 3 years? I guess I am just sick of it. Sick of the words being constantly thrown at me, tired of choosing to be happy, tired of the energy spent having fun while constantly in trouble, tired of beating my head against the wall... now I am just walking beside the wall with all the others. I miss being happy though, I miss laughing with my friends, I miss feeling inspired, I miss the adrenalin rush. The project has only been a week and already my shell is emptying. I am almost at empty. Only a week. Am I really that weak? Or is this just the period of time that I am acclimating myself? Hard to tell. I think I am going to start running. Running is a melancholy thing. Alone with your thoughts and the cement, early morning, no sounds...
Earth quakes. One of the many things we miss when we are running around too busy to stand still, listen and feel. God's voice. One of the many things we miss when we fill our lives with noise according to my brother Nathan and the current series at the Stirring. The last earthquake I remember I was five and considering I don't have many memories from back then, it amazes me that that is a memory that was gelled in my brain through time. These next few weeks' sermons I have all heard before basically, but being older should I join the ranks of others who are fasting from noise to better hear God's voice? God writes notes to me, then slips them into my brain. All of the notes have things to work on on them. Some of them I keep for later and others have already been tackled. My life used to be noisy, not so much anymore. I have a lot of silence, I have never had trouble blocking out the world around me. Some including my mother say its a bad thing but I think its quite beneficial, just like being calloused and being able to fall asleep whenever and wherever I like. But maybe that will change too with the project. I usually like change but I can't say I am excited for the next year and a half.