Describing the pit

The project continues and the pit gets deeper. My new year's resolution if you can call it that has just doubled. Not only is it at school its at home too! As if I wasn't exhausted enough, get home directly after practice and crash after eating and a shower. That painful fuzz that you get after crying, I am guessing that that goes away after a time. You cry enough in close succession it fades after awhile right, then crying isn't nearly as painful the next time. Emptying out emotionally exhausts the whole body. Now how is that fair? For so long my emotions have always gone from angry to happy, never sad really, never depressed. But now...its not like I am suicidal or that I really have anything to be depressed about compared to a million other people but sometimes you just choose to be unhappy. Only a truly wonderful person could be happy in a pit. Why am I giving in now after 3 years? I guess I am just sick of it. Sick of the words being constantly thrown at me, tired of choosing to be happy, tired of the energy spent having fun while constantly in trouble, tired of beating my head against the wall... now I am just walking beside the wall with all the others. I miss being happy though, I miss laughing with my friends, I miss feeling inspired, I miss the adrenalin rush. The project has only been a week and already my shell is emptying. I am almost at empty. Only a week. Am I really that weak? Or is this just the period of time that I am acclimating myself? Hard to tell. I think I am going to start running. Running is a melancholy thing. Alone with your thoughts and the cement, early morning, no sounds...
Earth quakes. One of the many things we miss when we are running around too busy to stand still, listen and feel. God's voice. One of the many things we miss when we fill our lives with noise according to my brother Nathan and the current series at the Stirring. The last earthquake I remember I was five and considering I don't have many memories from back then, it amazes me that that is a memory that was gelled in my brain through time. These next few weeks' sermons I have all heard before basically, but being older should I join the ranks of others who are fasting from noise to better hear God's voice? God writes notes to me, then slips them into my brain. All of the notes have things to work on on them. Some of them I keep for later and others have already been tackled. My life used to be noisy, not so much anymore. I have a lot of silence, I have never had trouble blocking out the world around me. Some including my mother say its a bad thing but I think its quite beneficial, just like being calloused and being able to fall asleep whenever and wherever I like. But maybe that will change too with the project. I usually like change but I can't say I am excited for the next year and a half.

Mother Goose, advertisements, and Grey's Anatomy

Yesterday I took a couple hours and went back to Pre Kindergarten and learned something more important than how many particles are in a mole of carbondioxide or when to put a comma into a sentence... I learned that Mother Goose nursery rythms and the character herself could possibly be based off a real woman. All those nursery rhymes we heard growing up that will forever be with us but no one ever remembers their origin could have been based off of real country born woman. "With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes she will have music wherever she goes." In school why do we learn old men's conjectures about the Earth, or why do we learn about the founding of our country from only the American's point of view? I would love to take a history class that tells the history of the world through the Japanese eyes or the German's eyes. FLA format changes yearly, and yet kids are having to learn the different formats every year to keep up with a language that has so many exceptions to its rules and format. The United States and the whole metric system thing. We are screwed up. Even so in school why aren't we learning about the entertainment industry? Who the legends of the decades were, who the young people of the 1930's looked up to? Instead we learn about Pluto being a planet and then later the idiotic scientists who first called it a planet decide, "O we don't think it should be a planet anymore its just a hunk of rock."

In English class we had to write an analysis on an advertisement. We chose our advertisement and studied its details and slant, its color and font, its size and content, and yet if it hadn't been an assignment we wouldn't have noticed that the advertisement didn't tell the price of the product because its overly costly, we wouldn't have noticed that on the Pantene ad there is a smaller than a dime sized vitamin floating in thin air expressing the slant that Using Pantene is like giving your hair its daily vitamin. Somebody put hard work into that ad and if we hadn't had this assignment we wouldn't have even noticed that the green of the border glamorizes the idea of letting nature takes it course, point being I don't know what the point was I just thought it was interesting how my English class helped me pay attention to details that were created to catch my attention anyway.

Everytime I watch Grey's Anatomy, I cry and laugh, and giggle, and scream, and I GET PARANOID! Suddenly every little ache and pain means I am dying or every disease I see their patients get I suddenly seem to have a symptom. Crazy mental holes I get into and somehow stay in until something else gets my attention.

Mols, Modern dance, and Monologue

Yesterday was my very first audition...for anything. At RCHS, tryouts for teams are never really tryouts they are more like let's see who is going to be on the team. So tomorrow I will find out who I am in the cast of Our Hearts Were Young and Gay. "To know Emily is to enhance one's days with gaiety, charm and occasional terror." The audition went really well and was surprisingly fun. I had to be fed one line and Sarah called me her own name but other than that we did good. Dance started this week too! And with the play beginning, dance beginning, tutoring, actually doing my homework, and basketball, I get home at nine thirty every night and am exhausted which is a new experience for me. It's been the ideal schedule! I love having a domino schedule. After here I go there, after that I rush to here. I carry around enough clothes to clothe an orphanage in Russia, usually three bags, and enough food to last me the whole day. Dance was pretty clutzy the first class but I think I almost have my brain in the mode because today I took a Modern class and loved it! Even broke a sweat and not from being nervous (lol). As a change of pace, my friend Sarah today said that all day I have been talking in monologue all day. I haven't been very talk-a-tive at all this week but school gets me very...strained. After fourth period everything is good but third and fourth period is like standing on hot coals after not having any sleep for a week, you don't know whether to fall asleep or start screaming. Lastly, MOLS! Yes this is the third day that I have been TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS!

It's coming...

The next time I wake up I will be in bondage. To be perfectly melodramatic, this calm depression I feel right now is the deep breathe before I plunge into the pit that all people have to fall into in life. Being in the pit will dampen all spark of fun, take up so much of my time my millions of hobbies will be cast to the wayside, absorb so much of my emotional energy that I will be spent when the time to be happy comes. Such an abyss to be looking at! Facing forward today is the first time in a long time that the experience isn't a pleasant one. Come on Elyse every teenager in the world has to do the same thing you have to, somehow they get by without all the drama. Somethings are just so much more intimidating and frightening-looking when you are on the outside looking in, but then you plunge and the pit isn't as bad as it appeared. Unfortunately this isn't one of those cases. It will be as bad as all that. Does that spare me the plunge?

2010

So far this year has begun with a fresh new creative spirit for me. Last night I cut my own hair for the first time ever and just might cut it from now on (16 years old). At about 3 this morning I woke up my little sister and drug her out of bed to look at my hair, of course she loved that! Before that I had another creative surge and designed a chair. Probably the coolest chair ever seen, and even made a prototype using hangers, a movie box and a scarf I hardly ever wear. One day I will spend too much money making that chair and everyone in the world will want to sell it. O the pipe dreams of the young! I have discovered a new game... I love games of any kind almost. It's called BananaGrams, spin off of Scrabble. Obviously I love it and my friends and I have been playing it a whole bunch, I never win. Personally, I think New Years Resolutions suck, because everybody says they are going to the gym more often and they do for the first month than its back to the t.v. not that I blame anyone. For me I have a new resolution each month and fail each and every month. Unfortunately my resolution for this year has to stick.
Do my homework. Don't make my teachers crazy.
Both of these things make ME crazy and goes against my very personality. School is a requirement that every person my age has to do, and I resent it (bashing your head against a wall is fun). I prefer the extras that very few do: speech competitions, Science Bowl, community service, writing competitions, Venture Club, plays. These things are worth spending time on. School isn't suited to everybody and for real my brain loves to learn and exercise anywhere and about anything its not supposed to. This new goal is going to be painful and no fun but with one semester down...shut up and do it!

Julia and Julia

I spent the first hour of this new year worrying about my tooth dying. A friend of mine was playing basketball and hit her tooth on her sister's tooth which ended up turning a darker shade of enamel, she now has to guzzle penicillin so she can have root canal work done at sixteen. Her unfortunate experience has of course made me paranoid. However, one can worry and enjoy themselves at the same time, I certainly did watching Julia and Julia, All About Steve, and 17 Again (all good movies in their own way). Julia and Julia inspired me to start a project, move to Paris, learn to cook, and remember that I have a blog.
Just like everybody else I have no idea what this year has in store and just like everybody else I am excited to find out. Hopefully Paris and a lot of food are involved.

Fmylife.com Addiction

My aversion to homework is so intense that I would rather read about other peoples' crappy days for hours than do it. I found out about the site from a friend and have grown strangely attached. The horrifying stories of people falling asleep during class and farting loudly for everyone to hear has helped me achieve my first week of staying awake in every class. Also after all the stories of men cheating on their wives and vice versa I have come to the conclusion that marriage is way more dangerous than the average romance movie makes it seem (tragic revelation for a sixteen year old)
"I wish my homework was asexual so it would do itself."
Well another check on my bucket list *almost*.
I have signed up for the school play.
I got the commitment slip signed.
I went and got my script.
-Our Hearts Were Young and Gay-